Monday, December 21, 2009

I need to post about this. This is regarding how screwed up i was during these few days, and how i manage to find God again.

Ever since Sat's morning, i was on a burning anger due to some family issues. This burning anger was there with me all the way till the end of the day. Pretty hard to remain calm for the whole day. Then as it transited to Sun, I was on a very seriously-bad slacking mood. Was on my stand-by duty in camp. I would say that i didn't do anything at all but sleeping and stoning for the whole day. The usual me will read books, chit-chat and go gym when i am free. But i just can't find the push. Lastly, as Monday came, i didn't go for the 4.8km live run. I slept till 10 plus, from 2am. After finished with in-camp issues, i was again stoning on my bed at 12plus pm.

In my mind, I was thinking about how screwed up i am nowadays. I don't pray and don't read the bible very often. I just can't find the push. Then i was pondering: " Why not i just let my bible fall onto the floor? Perhaps God will speak to me in this way and bring me back to the right path once again?" So i let my bible fall onto the floor. What happened then? The bible just faced flat onto the floor. Finally when i intentionally let it drop in a way that the bible will split, the page was regarding David and Bathsheba and Nathan rebukes David. My reaction was: " Huh?"

30 minutes more and then i need to do my work. I was desperate for a peaceful mind. I prayed to God, telling him that i just want to empty all the thoughts in my mind and i only want him to be on my mind. Trees swayed, cool winds breezed through and suddenly i found myself in a serene environment. I could only hear the cool winds breezing through, and that really calms my troubled mind.

Then when i was on my way home, i was reading this book named " Just enough light for the step I'm on", by Stormie Omartan. An extract from this book had impacted me pretty much.

" I form the light and create darkness..." (Isaiah 45:7) God sometimes allows things to get very dark in our lives in order to grow us up and teach us about Himself. And some things that we accomplish in darkness cannot happen in any other setting.

Think about what it's like when the power goes out in your home at night. You can barely function in the dark,. You walk carefully, one step at a time, reaching out for the familiar things to steady and guide you until you can find a flashlight, candle, or generator switch. If someone is holding a source of light, you reach out and take thier hand so you can move together. You don't take a step until you're certain that both of you are going in the same direction.
That's exactly how God uses darkness in our lives. We're in the dark until we see His light in it. He wants us to reach out for Him so we can walk together in the same direction. He desires that we draw close so that we sense His presence at all times.

This is not exactly the darkness of evil, which you can clearly sense. Or the darkness of our disobedience, which we know in our hearts. This is a different kind of darkness, and God says there are treasures to be found there. " I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the LORD who calls you by your name, am the God of Israel.: ( Isaish 45:3)

The treasure we find in darkness is Him."

Different from i expect as an enlightenment from my problems, God brought me into another dimension of understanding of His word. The world we are in is a fallen world, one full of darkness. Who can we seek as the beacon of hope? Jesus had died for our sins and rose again as a testimony to God's promise that Jesus would rise from his dead and become the King of the new Jerusalem. God has given us a choice to follow Jesus or not. I pray i will persevere with the choice of following Jesus. I pray that my Christian brothers and sisters will also persevere. And i pray that many of the unsaved will choose to follow Jesus.

I think i must stop saying that i am screwed up before it really happens. Thx for the reminder!

Posted by Hans En at 10:33 PM